He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize