it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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