apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
