I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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