i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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