Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
