So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
