So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
