im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
