she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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