Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
People in love make me want to vomit
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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