i think i have two assholes
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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