it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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