Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize