I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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