is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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