my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
