I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
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