The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize