I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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