Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
