We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
