i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
okay pat passed out under dana's car
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Randomize
