I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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