there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
