genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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