That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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