if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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