...so i touched it.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
