I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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