I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
