I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
