Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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