I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
