I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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