his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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