if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
