Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
