i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
