She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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