I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
