I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
