The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
