Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
