He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
