Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
