and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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