remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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