I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
