New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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