I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
