Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
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