Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
