Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
