She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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