Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
